What do guys think about during sex?

Have you ever wondered what actually goes through a guy’s mind during sex? From pure passion to anxiety or random thoughts, a lot can pop up when you’re doing the deed. 

Maybe you identify as a man and are wondering if your thoughts are “normal.” Or perhaps you are someone who sleeps with men and curious what’s going through their head when you’re having sex. Either way, we’ve got you covered. We asked two sex therapists, “what do guys think about during sex?” and are sharing their answers ahead. 

Quick note: While this article uses language around “men” or “guys,” we just mean people who identify as men. Sex and gender expression can take many forms. 

In the heat of the moment, many people are completely mesmerized by how beautiful, hot, or sexy their partner is.

“Men are driven heavily by visuals,” says Jason Powell, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist. “This ties into the oxytocin pathways, and this gets into the bonding and reward circuits in the brain.” 

In other words, this visual attraction isn’t just superficial — it plays a biological role in desire and attachment. 

Of course, one of the goals of sex is to feel connected to your partner. So focusing on your attraction to them has the added benefit of helping you stay present and aroused. 

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Sexual performance anxiety is more common than you think, so if you’re thinking “don’t panic,” you’re not alone. You might be nervous that you won’t be able to stay hard, that you’ll ejaculate too soon, or that you aren’t good at sex. 

Ironically, all this anxiety about performing is more likely to take you out of the moment and make things worse. Panic often fuels more panic, which can impact your sexual functioning. “Penises are not designed to work when the nervous system is dysregulated,” Powell says. 

This anxiety can lead to stress-induced erectile dysfunction, AKA psychogenic ED. This is when ED is caused by a psychological reason rather than a physical one. 

Sometimes, what men think about during sex could simply be about how amazing it feels, honing in on how incredible it feels to be inside their partner, to kiss them, to feel their warmth, to experience their emotional connection, and so on. 

Sex is meant to feel good, and if it feels incredible, even better! According to Powell, the gold-standard for sex is feeling pleasure and being fully present in the moment. You might experience more of a mental quietness when you’re fully tuned into your bodily sensations, allowing you to stay in the present moment. 

Everyone (um, hopefully everyone) wants their partner to feel great during sex, which may lead to some performance anxiety about whether they’re making their partner feel good or not. 

Having really good sexual communication with your partner is one of the keys to ensuring your partner is getting what they want. What works for some partners may not work for others. In bed, pay attention to non-verbal feedback (like leaning into your touch or arching their back, Powell says) that indicates you’re on the right track. 

Premature ejaculation (PE) is extremely common, affecting about 30% of men worldwide. Rather than using more legit treatments for PE, many men turn to mental distraction as a technique to last longer. “It’s like the old classic when you're a kid, ‘Think about grandma’ or think about something else that keeps you from coming,” Powell says. 

If you’d like to stay more present during sex (and leave grandma out of it), there are other solutions you can try for PE. For example, Roman Swipes are benzocaine wipes that reduce overstimulation so you can last longer. Or, you can speak with your healthcare provider about options like oral sertraline (generic Zoloft) as an off-label treatment for PE.  

It’s very common for men to worry that they don’t measure up, and a lot of this is thanks to unrealistic expectations seen in porn, Powell says. However, most men who think their penis is too small actually have perfectly normal-sized penises. Educating yourself about what's normal when it comes to the human body (FYI: that’s about 3.4 inches flaccid and 5.5 inches erect) can provide reassurance so those anxieties aren't coming to the forefront of your mind during the act.  

If you still find that anxieties arise during sex, another approach is to practice mindfulness techniques. These can allow you to tune in to your body sensations and focus on the pleasure you're experiencing in that moment, so you don’t get lost in your head. 

Powell suggests using your senses. For example, what does your partner’s hair smell like? How warm does their skin feel? How does their weight feel on top of you? Actively paying  attention to these things helps keep you in the present moment  rather than worrying about the size of your penis. 

A desire to switch positions is common, whether you’re feeling curious, or you aren’t experiencing a ton of pleasure in a certain position. Some couples might verbally communicate switching to another position, while others might just maneuver themselves (and their partner) into it. 

It’s important to communicate outside of the bedroom about this, too, Powell says. For example, you should be aware of any body sensitivities your partner has (such as whether positions from behind are painful) or if any positions are off-limits.

It’s totally normal for mundane and non-sexy thoughts to pop up in your mind during the act. Did I lock the door? Is that my phone vibrating? What should we have for dinner? Did I send that email I was supposed to send? Ugh, work sucked today…and so on. 

So, why does that happen, even if we’re enjoying the sex we’re having? As a society, we tend to overstimulate our brains, and we very rarely allow our brains to slow down and just be, Powell says. For this reason, it can be hard for our brains to shut off when we want them to. 

To combat this, Powell recommends letting yourself “be bored” for 15–20 minutes a day. Put your phone away, get away from screens, and just be present. Starting a general mindfulness practice can help, too. 

If you struggle with premature ejaculation and you’re stuck in your head focusing on not coming, this can interfere with enjoyment and pleasure. As previously mentioned, you could try ED solutions like Roman Swipes or speak to your healthcare provider about off-label prescriptions like sertraline. Another option is using Promescent Delay Spray  to desensitize the penis a bit and help you last longer. 

Orgasms can be tricky, especially when you’re putting a lot of pressure on them. Of course, you care about your partner and want to make them feel good, but “the more you're trying to get yourself to come, or a partner to come, especially if it's in kind of an anxious, overly head-focused space, the less likely it's going to happen,” says Greg Kilpatrick, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist.   

Instead, he recommends making the goal pleasure, not orgasm. Pay attention to your partner’s moans, breathing, and how they’re moving their body. You can also ask them to tell you (or show you) exactly how they want to be touched, to eliminate some of the guesswork. Or, ask questions like, “Do you want me to go harder or softer? Faster or slower?” 

And remember: many women can’t orgasm from penetration alone, and need clitoral stimulation to come.

There's nothing wrong with watching and enjoying porn on occasion, but it’s important to avoid internalizing it. “Porn is not always realistic. You're moving into a fantasy space,” Kilpatrick says. 

What you see in porn isn't an accurate reflection of how most people’s bodies look, how long sex tends to last, how women like to be touched, or how easily a woman can orgasm. So, if you find yourself comparing the experience to something you saw online, try to focus on what’s in front of you, and remember that porn is not reality. 

Some men might feel totally present and enter a “sexual trance state,” Kilpatrick says. When you’re totally in the here and now, focusing on how your partner is making you feel and noticing all the amazing sensations in your body, you can experience pure and complete bliss.

Not to mention, if you have an orgasm, your brain releases a surge of feel-good brain chemicals like dopamine and endogenous opioids, ramping up the pleasure even more. 

Sex can heighten emotional intimacy, turning physical intimacy into feelings of trust, affection, and bonding, not just physical desire.

During these intimate moments, a man might think about how much he loves and cares about his partner, or how connected he feels to them in that moment. For some men, these feelings of love can really rev up their sexual experience, Kilpatrick says.

After sex, when you’re experiencing all the effects of the feel-good hormones your body has released, you’ll likely feel content and relaxed. “The afterglow gives us a chance to kind of revel and marinate in the power of what just happened,” Kilpatrick says. 

However, remember this: just because you came, that doesn't mean the sexual act has to be over. It's important to ensure that it's a satisfying encounter for you and your partner. Don't look at orgasm as the end of sex. Make sure you bring your partner the pleasure they're seeking, too.

Sometimes after sex, the main takeaway is just how good it felt (whether physically, emotionally, or both), leaving you hungry for more. 

If you want to let your partner know you desire more frequent sex, be mindful of approaching it through a lens of expressing desire rather than pressure, Kilpatrick says. He suggests taking an affirming approach and telling your partner how hot the sex was and how good it felt, for example. 

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So, what do men really think about during sex? The key takeaway: Men's minds during sex are just as complex and varied as anyone else's. 

• Men’s thoughts during sex might simply be about the physical pleasure or emotional connection they’re feeling, especially if they’re present in the moment.

• Some men might have thoughts related to performance anxiety, such as concerns about penis size, ability to please their partner, or concerns over erectile function.

• It’s also common for non-sex related thoughts to arise during sex, such as mundane thoughts about chores or work. 

• Communication is key for great sex, so don’t forget to communicate in and out of the bedroom to ensure both you and your partner are getting your needs met.