Key takeaways
Good sex depends on communication, understanding what feels good for both partners, and being present during intimacy rather than following a specific technique or formula.
Physical factors like erectile function, arousal, and comfort affect sexual satisfaction, but psychological factors like anxiety, stress levels, and connection matter just as much.
Small changes like prioritizing foreplay, using lubrication, trying different positions, and addressing health concerns can significantly improve your sex life.
Here's what we'll cover
Here's what we'll cover
Here's what we'll cover
Key takeaways
Good sex depends on communication, understanding what feels good for both partners, and being present during intimacy rather than following a specific technique or formula.
Physical factors like erectile function, arousal, and comfort affect sexual satisfaction, but psychological factors like anxiety, stress levels, and connection matter just as much.
Small changes like prioritizing foreplay, using lubrication, trying different positions, and addressing health concerns can significantly improve your sex life.
Wondering how to be better at sex is something most people ask themselves (or, frankly, Google) at some point. Good sex comes down to communication, making an effort to try new things, and understanding what works for your body and your partner's.
Sex isn’t about performing perfectly or mastering complex techniques. It involves your physical health, mental state, relationship dynamics, and comfort level, all working together.
Here are 21 practical ways to learn how to have good sex:
Start with open communication about what you both want
Learn what feels good for your own body first
Prioritize foreplay (it's not optional)
Pay attention to your partner's responses
Try different positions to find what works best
Don't rush through sex
Use lubrication when needed
Focus on pleasure beyond penetration
Set the mood with ambiance
Make time for intimacy outside the bedroom
Address ED if it's affecting your confidence
Try edging to build intensity
Incorporate sex toys if you're curious
Practice being present during sex
Learn about your partner's pleasure points
Consider how lifestyle factors impact sexual function
Explore different types of touch
Don't fake it, redirect instead
Take breaks when needed
Keep experimenting with things to try during sex
Address physical issues that interfere with sex
Let's look at how each of these strategies can help you feel more confident and connected during sex.
How to be better at sex: 21 tips to improve your sex life
These tips on how to have better sex are based on research, clinical experience, and what actually helps people feel more confident. Not every suggestion will apply to your situation, so focus on what feels relevant.
1. Start with open communication about what you both want
Talk about what you want in bed. It's that simple and that important. Sexual satisfaction is linked to how well partners communicate about sex. This means discussing desires, boundaries, and preferences before, during sexual activity.
Many people avoid these conversations because they feel awkward or worry about hurting their partner's feelings. But research on sexual experiences shows that people who communicate more openly about what they want tend to report orgasming more often.
You don't need a formal conversation. Try simple statements before, during, or after sex, such as "I really like when you..." or "Could we try…?" Questions like "How does this feel?" or "What would you like me to do?" show you care about their experience.
And yes, this includes saying when something doesn't feel good. If something is uncomfortable or not pleasurable, speaking up helps your partner adjust instead of continuing something that isn't working.
2. Learn what feels good for your own body first
Masturbation isn't just about getting off. It can be a way to learn about your arousal patterns, what builds pleasure, and what pushes you over the edge. This knowledge becomes helpful during partnered sex because you can actually tell someone what you enjoy.
Understanding what works for your body is particularly important, since most people with vulvas need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. For people with penises, exploring different types of touch and pressure can help you understand what works for you.
3. Prioritize foreplay
If you want to know how to be better in bed, prioritize foreplay. Research supports this idea, too. Foreplay is strongly connected to sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction.
Good foreplay involves kissing, touching all over (not just genitals), oral sex, and manual stimulation. People with vulvas generally say that foreplay feels too short. So, the more you focus on it, the better your bedroom activity may be.
Studies of heterosexual couples also show that both partners often want longer foreplay than they actually get. Many people underestimate how much time their partner would prefer, which suggests it’s worth slowing down and not relying on assumptions or stereotypes about what “enough” foreplay looks like.
4. Pay attention to your partner's responses
Your partner's body language and verbal cues tell you what's working and what isn't. Watch for signs like muscle tension or rhythmic movement.
But body language isn’t always reliable on its own. If your partner is quieter during sex or doesn’t show obvious reactions, the best way to know what’s working is to ask.
Try checking in with questions like "Does this feel good?" or "Do you want more of this or something different?"
When your partner tells you something feels good, maintain that technique consistently. Many people make the mistake of switching things up right when their partner is building toward orgasm, which can interrupt the process.
Also, pay attention to signs of discomfort, such as pulling away, tensing up, or becoming less responsive. These cues suggest you should check in or try something different.
5. Try different positions to find what works best
Sexual positions affect pleasure in tangible ways. Different angles change how genitals make contact, which parts of the body receive stimulation, and how deep penetration goes.
For people with vulvas, positions that allow for clitoral contact during penetration increase the likelihood of orgasm. Face-to-face positions where the receptive partner is on top tend to be particularly effective because they allow control over angle and depth.
For people with penises, oral sex might be the thing they prefer most, though this can vary on an individual basis. Experimenting helps you discover what maximizes pleasure for both partners.
As always, communication during this process is important. Asking "How does this feel?" or "Should we try a different angle?" keeps both people engaged.
6. Don't rush through sex
Taking your time during sex reduces performance pressure and allows arousal to build naturally. Research shows that people with vulvas typically need an average of 13 minutes of arousal and stimulation to reach orgasm, compared to about 5–7 minutes for people with penises.
When sex feels rushed, it can add pressure and take away from the experience. Many people find that when there's not enough time to get fully aroused, penetration can feel uncomfortable, pleasure diminishes, and one or both partners end up feeling unsatisfied.
Slowing down also helps you stay present and notice what feels good rather than treating sex like a task to complete. Extended sessions allow for variety, like switching between different types of touch, taking breaks, and building anticipation.
If you struggle with premature ejaculation (PE), slowing down and incorporating more non-penetrative activities can help you last longer and reduce anxiety about finishing too quickly. Numbing wipes, such as Roman Swipes, may also help reduce sensation and increase the time it takes to orgasm.
7. Use lubrication when needed
Lubrication reduces friction and increases comfort during sex. Research shows that using lube can improve sexual pleasure, comfort, and overall wellbeing for people of all genders.
If your partner isn’t getting as wet as you’d expect, it doesn’t necessarily mean that something’s wrong. Natural lubrication decreases for several reasons, including age, menopause, and hormonal changes, not to mention dehydration.
Water-based lubricants can be a great option to try, as they work with condoms and are easy to clean up. Silicone-based options last longer and work well for activities like shower sex. Avoid oil-based lubricants with latex condoms, as they can cause the condom to tear or break.
8. Focus on pleasure beyond penetration
Penetrative sex is just one type of sexual activity, and for many people, it's not the most pleasurable. Only about 18% of people with vulvas can orgasm from penetration alone, which means the majority need other forms of stimulation.
You can move the focus from intercourse to clitoral stimulation through oral sex, using your hands, or vibrators. When you expand your definition of what sex includes, you remove pressure to perform in a specific way and open up more possibilities for pleasure.
This approach is also helpful when erectile dysfunction (ED) is present. If penetration isn't possible or consistent, focusing on other forms of intimacy ensures both partners can still experience pleasure and connection.
9. Set the mood with ambiance
Your environment can influence how comfortable you feel, which also means it plays a role in getting aroused. A messy room, harsh lighting, or constant interruptions can make it hard to relax and focus on pleasure.
For a more inviting atmosphere, make sure the room is clean and the bed is comfortable. Dim lighting or candles can make the space feel more intimate. Playing music can help you relax and block out distracting sounds.
You don't need to create an elaborate setup every time. Even small, simple adjustments can make the experience feel intentional, more inviting, and less rushed.
10. Make time for intimacy outside the bedroom
Emotional connection and non-sexual touch can build closeness and attachment. When partners feel close and connected outside of sex, sexual encounters can feel more satisfying.
This might include holding hands, hugging, kissing without expectation of sex, cuddling on the couch, or giving each other massages. These moments of physical affection reinforce emotional bonds and can naturally lead to sexual desire without pressure.
Relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction are closely linked. When you invest in your relationship through communication, quality time, and emotional support, your sex life often improves as a result.
11. Address ED if it's affecting your confidence
ED affects roughly half of people with penises between the ages of 40 and 70, but it can occur at any point in life. If you have ED, it can often create anxiety that makes sexual experiences stressful rather than enjoyable.
The good news is that ED has decades of research behind it, and it’s highly treatable. PDE5 inhibitors like Viagra (sildenafil) and Cialis (tadalafil) work by increasing blood flow to the penis, making it easier to get and maintain erections when you’re sexually aroused. If you have ED, speak to your healthcare provider about whether a PDE5 inhibitor is safe for you to try.
Ro Sparks* combines sildenafil and tadalafil in a dissolvable tablet that can start working in as little as 15 minutes (after dissolving) and last up to 36 hours. For people who prefer daily treatment, Daily Rise Gummies* contain tadalafil in a chewable form.
When erections are more reliable, you can focus on your partner's pleasure and connection rather than worrying about performance.
*Though these particular formulations are not US Food and Drug Administration (FDA)-approved, they contain active ingredients that have been individually FDA-approved for ED.
12. Try edging to build intensity
Edging means building arousal close to orgasm and then backing off, repeating this pattern several times before allowing orgasm to happen. This technique can intensify pleasure and help you become more aware of your arousal patterns.
If you’re dealing with PE, edging (sometimes called the stop-start method) can help you develop better control over when ejaculation happens. By repeatedly recognizing the point just before orgasm, you can learn to slow down or change stimulation to delay orgasm.
Many people say that edging can make orgasms feel more intense when they finally happen, since arousal has been building for a longer period. This technique works during both solo and partnered sex, though it requires communication and patience with a partner.
13. Incorporate sex toys if you're curious
Sex toys aren't competition for a partner. They're tools that can improve pleasure and introduce new sensations with a partner, and about 40% of people have used them with a partner at some point in their lives.
For people with vulvas, vibrators provide consistent, strong clitoral stimulation that can make orgasm easier during partnered sex.
For people with penises, cock rings and anal vibrators are also worth exploring for new types of pleasure. Interestingly, most people use vibrators more during partnered play than solo. If you’re having trouble orgasming, vibrators might be a good option because some research suggests that penile vibrators can help men with delayed orgasm.
If you're curious about toys, start with something simple and discuss it with your partner first. Many couples find that introducing toys together makes sex more playful and takes pressure off to perform in specific ways.
14. Practice being present during sex
Distraction during sex, whether it’s worrying about how you look, wondering if you're performing well, or thinking about unrelated stress, can get in the way of pleasure and arousal.
Being present means focusing on physical sensations, emotional connection, and what feels good in the moment rather than monitoring yourself or getting lost in anxious thoughts. When your mind drifts during sex, you might start worrying about performance or overthinking what’s happening. This can make it harder to stay present.
Mindfulness-based approaches have been shown to reduce sexual distress by helping people notice sensations and experiences without judgment, instead of getting stuck in anxiety or self-monitoring. For people dealing with performance anxiety, learning to stay present reduces the mental pressure that often interferes with sexual function.
15. Learn about your partner's pleasure points
Erogenous zones extend far beyond genitals. The neck, ears, buttocks, inner thigh, and nipples can all be highly sensitive to touch for many people. Everyone's body responds differently, so what feels good for one person might not work for another.
But here's something interesting: Research shows the areas that feel good when someone touches you often match up with where you enjoy touching your partner's body. It's like a pleasure mirror between partners.
And sexual arousal isn't just about physical touch. Looking at each other's bodies matters too. When you combine touch with visual connection, it can intensify pleasure for both people.
16. Consider how lifestyle factors impact sexual function
Your overall health directly affects how your body performs sexually. Stress is a particularly significant factor, along with anxiety and depression. Challenges with mental health can cause erectile problems and interfere with arousal.
Regular exercise is also one of the most effective ways to support sexual function and mental health, especially aerobic exercise. Exercise also improves cardiovascular health, mood, and body image.
Consistent, good-quality sleep can help, too. Aim for 7–9 hours per night. And finally, cutting back on smoking and alcohol may also help. Smoking and heavy alcohol use are well known to be associated with ED.
17. Explore different types of touch
Everyone has their own preferences with touch. You can try varying pressure, speed, and technique; all of this can change how the sex experience feels.
Some people prefer firm, consistent pressure, while others like a lighter, teasing touch. Some respond well to circular motions, while others prefer up-and-down or side-to-side movements.
Rhythm and speed also matter. What feels good at the beginning of sex might be too intense or not enough later on.
The best way to learn what works is through experimentation and feedback. Pay attention to how your partner responds to different types of touch and ask them to guide you.
Similarly, showing your partner what you enjoy, either verbally or by guiding their hand, helps them learn your preferences.
18. Don't fake it, redirect instead
Faking orgasms or pretending something feels better than it does prevents your partner from learning what actually works for your body.
Research shows that faking orgasm is fairly common, and that the biggest factor involved is orgasmic problems with a partner. When orgasms are difficult to achieve during partnered sex, faking becomes more likely.
But if something doesn't feel good, you don't need to make a big announcement. Simple redirections can work: "Can we try this instead?" or "I really like when you..."
Honest statements like these guide your partner toward what feels pleasurable for your body without making them feel criticized.
19. Take breaks when needed
Sex doesn't need to be one continuous activity. Taking breaks to switch positions, grab some water, use the bathroom, or just catch your breath is completely normal.
If you're feeling overstimulated or tired during a longer session, pausing for a few minutes can help. Sometimes a quick reset can help you get back in the zone and pick things back up.
Breaks also give you natural moments to check in with your partner. You can ask how they’re feeling or if they want to keep going or try something different. This keeps both of you engaged and makes sure you’re enjoying yourselves.
20. Keep experimenting with things to try during sex
Sexual interests and preferences evolve over time, and what excites you early in a relationship might become routine. But trying new activities, positions, or scenarios can reignite that excitement.
This doesn't mean you need to do anything extreme or uncomfortable. Small changes like having sex in a different room, trying a new position, introducing light role play, or experimenting with different types of touch can all create novelty.
Novelty triggers dopamine, a chemical in your brain associated with pleasure and reward. When sex feels new and unpredictable, it often becomes more exciting.
Communication is key here. Discussing fantasies, interests, or curiosities with your partner helps you find new things you're both interested in trying.
21. Address physical issues that interfere with sex
Persistent pain during sex, difficulty with arousal, or ongoing erectile problems aren't things you should ignore or just "push through."
For people with vulvas, pain during sex can be caused by conditions like vaginal dryness, infections, endometriosis, or pelvic floor dysfunction. These issues are treatable with medical intervention.
For people with penises, difficulty getting or maintaining erections can signal underlying health problems like heart disease, diabetes, or hormonal imbalances. Speaking with a healthcare provider about these sexual concerns is usually the first step to getting the help you need.
What does ‘good sex’ actually mean?
Good sex means different things to different people, and there's no universal standard you need to meet. For some, it's about physical pleasure and orgasm. For others, it's more about emotional connection, intimacy, or feeling desired.
Research shows that sexual satisfaction depends on multiple factors. Relationship quality, communication, emotional intimacy, physical pleasure, and personal expectations all play a role.
What feels satisfying to you might be completely different from what works for someone else, and that's completely normal.
Many people find that their most satisfying sexual experiences involve variety, experimentation, emotional connection, and focusing on the journey rather than a specific outcome.
So, instead of wondering whether you’re good at sex, a more helpful question might be "Are my partner and I both enjoying ourselves and feeling connected?"
The idea that good sex follows a specific script, like foreplay, penetration, orgasm, doesn't reflect how most people actually experience pleasure.
Bottom line: how to be better at sex
Improving your sex life doesn't require advanced techniques or perfect performance. There are no magic sex tips that work for everyone.
It comes down to understanding your body, communicating with your partner, and addressing any physical or psychological factors that get in the way. Here's what matters most:
Communication is key. People who talk openly about their desires, boundaries, and preferences have better sex and feel more satisfied overall.
Your overall health affects your sex life. Sleep, stress, and exercise can impact desire, arousal, and sexual function. Take care of your body, and your sex life benefits.
Don’t neglect foreplay and experimenting. Rushing through sex can leave people unsatisfied. Take your time and try different types of stimulation to maximize pleasure for you and your partner.
Sexual concerns are common and oftentimes fixable. ED, PE, or pain during sex affect lots of people. Medical treatments and lifestyle changes can make a real difference.
If you want to learn how to be better at sex, remember that good sex is about connection, pleasure, and mutual satisfaction — not meeting perfect standards.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How can I improve my sex life?
To figure out how to improve your sex life, start with open communication with your partner about desires and boundaries. Prioritize foreplay, experiment with what feels good, and address any physical issues like ED or pain during sex.
Lifestyle factors like exercise, sleep, and stress management also support healthy sexual function. Small, consistent changes often lead to noticeable improvements.
What are the best sex tips for beginners?
Sex tips for beginners include focusing on communication, extending foreplay, and not rushing. Learn what feels good for your own body through self-exploration before trying to guide a partner.
Use lubrication when needed, pay attention to your partner's responses, and remember that sex includes many activities beyond penetration. Don't pressure yourself to perform perfectly; focus on connection instead.
How long should sex last?
How long sex should last depends on your preferences, and there's no "correct" duration. Research shows that people with vulvas typically need an average of 13 minutes of stimulation to orgasm, while people with penises average 5–7 minutes.
What matters more than duration is satisfaction and connection for both partners. Some people prefer longer sessions with extended foreplay, while others are satisfied with quicker encounters.
Why am I not good at sex?
Feeling like you're not good at sex often comes from performance anxiety or unrealistic expectations rather than actual skill issues. Sexual satisfaction is influenced by communication and intimacy, and working on those aspects of your relationship might be a good place to start.
If you're experiencing physical difficulties like ED, low libido, pain during sex, or PE, know that they’re common, treatable conditions that don't reflect on your worth as a partner. A healthcare provider can help address these concerns.
Can erectile dysfunction be fixed naturally?
Yes, some cases of erectile dysfunction can improve naturally with lifestyle changes, including regular exercise, cutting back on heavy alcohol use, quitting smoking, and managing stress.
That being said, many people also benefit from medical treatment in addition to lifestyle changes. Medications like Viagra or Cialis can help restore reliable erections while you work on underlying health factors.
DISCLAIMER
If you have any medical questions or concerns, please talk to your healthcare provider. The articles on Health Guide are underpinned by peer-reviewed research and information drawn from medical societies and governmental agencies. However, they are not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Viagra Important Safety Information: Read more about serious warnings and safety info.
Cialis Important Safety Information: Read more about serious warnings and safety info.
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