My husband has ED and won’t touch me: what to do

When a partner has erectile dysfunction (ED), it can be hard not to take it personally. You may find yourself thinking “my husband has ED and won’t touch me.” And you may even wonder if you’re doing something wrong or if your  beau no longer finds you attractive. 

The truth is that ED happens for a number of physical and psychological reasons, and becomes increasingly common with age. For some men, the stress and shame of ED can lead them to withdraw from intimacy, even when attraction and desire are still there.

Ahead, we’ll offer some guidance on what to do if your partner has ED and avoids intimacy, reasons your partner may be avoiding intimacy, and treatments that can help. 

If your partner has ED and avoids intimacy, try not to blame yourself or assume you’re the cause. It can also be tempting to react defensively and point fingers. But blame might make an already difficult situation even worse. 

To help rebuild your connection, consider the following tips:

1. Understand what might be going on

2. Have open, non-blaming conversations

3. Explore non-penetrative sex

4. Look for solutions together

5. Take care of yourself

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Understand what might be going on

Without a strong understanding of ED, it’s easy to panic and think the worst: Does he still find me attractive? Am I doing something wrong? But learning all you can about your partner’s condition— why it happens and how it can lead to a withdrawal of intimacy — may help ease your worries.

For instance, research shows that when ED triggers insecurity in men, it can lead some men to “deactivate” their sexual feelings. By avoiding sex and closeness, they may be trying to protect themselves from emotional distress and protect the relationship from conflict.

Learning more about ED may not give you all the answers, but it can help you  make sense of the distance you’re feeling and quiet any self-blame you might be carrying.

Have open, non-blaming conversations

According to clinical practice recommendations from the European Society of Sexual Medicine, effectively managing ED often involves both partners and strengthening their communication skills. 

Having low-pressure, non-blaming conversations can help you and your partner talk openly about what ED might mean for both of you, including your preferences, boundaries, and what a satisfying sex life can look like.  

Studies suggest the following communication techniques can improve emotional intimacy and improve relationship dynamics:

• Practicing active listening. This means making a conscious effort to hear what your partner is saying without interruption and providing feedback to ensure you understand what they’ve said. You might ask open-ended questions and maintain eye contact to signal that you’re engaged and fully present.  

• Scheduling non-sexual physical attention. If your partner is avoiding all sex and closeness, ease into intimacy by focusing on non-sexual touch. Cuddling, massage, holding hands — these are all gentle ways to bring you closer without the pressure and expectation of sex.   

• Role-playing constructive dialogues. Practicing difficult conversations ahead of time can help reduce anxiety around emotionally charged topics. With a therapist, on your own, or as a couple, try out “I” statements, anticipate emotional reactions, and focus on listening rather than defending yourself.

Explore non-penetrative sex

Sex doesn’t have to be limited to penetration. If intercourse feels stressful or difficult at the moment, shifting to non-penetrative sex can help support connection overall. 

Some sex therapists recommend a structured approach called sensate focus when ED is impacting the relationship. This technique encourages both partners to shift their attention away from sexual performance (and the anxiety that often comes with it) and toward sensation and closeness. 

It typically starts with non-genital touch and gradually progresses to genital touch without the goal of arousal or penetration. The idea isn’t to “work toward sex,” but to enjoy what feels good together in the moment.

For many couples, this can expand how they define sex. It might include kissing, massage, mutual touch, oral sex, or using sex toys — anything that feels consensual, pleasurable, and pressure-free.

Look for solutions together

Research shows that despite the prevalence of ED, a “substantial portion” of people struggling with the issue avoid seeking help. Many healthcare providers can also be hesitant to initiate conversations about sexual health due to cultural and social barriers.

As the partner in the impacted relationship, you probably know or are becoming familiar with the fact that ED isn’t just a “him” problem — it’s a shared one. By exploring counseling, medication, or behavioral changes together, you’re taking a proactive, team-based approach. And that can be especially helpful if your partner feels reluctant to face ED on his own. 

Plus, studies suggest that when both partners are actively involved, men with ED are more likely to follow through with treatment, and couples report better relationship and sexual satisfaction.

Take care of yourself 

Partners of men with ED often report feelings of guilt, shame, rejection, frustration, and unlovability. While seeking solutions together may help relieve anxiety around ED and sex, it’s also important to prioritize self-care and take time when you need it. 

Talking to a therapist, leaning on trusted friends, and finding ways to reconnect with your body and sense of desirability can be an important part of coping.

Your partner may be avoiding intimacy with ED for a number of reasons, including performance anxiety, shame, or fears about masculinity. In most cases, his distance has little to do with a lack of attraction or desire, and is more about how ED is affecting his self-esteem and confidence. 

Potential reasons your partner may be avoiding intimacy include:

• Performance anxiety. If your partner has had trouble performing on more than one occasion, he may start to anticipate failure before or during sex. This can make it difficult to get or stay aroused, leading him to avoid intimacy altogether as a way of coping with that stress.

• Shame or embarrassment. ED can take a toll on a person’s mental health, especially if he has grown up equating self-worth with virility. Pulling away from you could be your partner’s way of trying to avoid feelings of shame and embarrassment. Research suggests that over time, ED can fuel anxiety, self-blame, and low self-esteem, which may cause some men to associate sex with distress.

• Concerns about masculinity. For some men, ED can feel like a threat to masculinity, triggering shame, humiliation, or fears about disappointing a partner. Sometimes, these reactions can lead men to withdraw from intimacy as a way of protecting themselves emotionally.

• Underlying health issues. Conditions such as low testosterone, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease and certain medications are well-established contributors to ED. When ED is tied to underlying health concerns and your partner is reluctant to speak with a healthcare provider, the stress and uncertainty involved may affect closeness in your relationship.

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Individuals with ED have several treatment options to explore with their healthcare providers, including prescription medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, and more. 

For some men, combining ED treatments can be more effective than using a single approach alone.  

Prescription medications

Phosphodiesterase type 5 inhibitors (PDE5 inhibitors) are some of the most commonly prescribed medications for ED.  They increase blood flow to the penis in response to sexual stimulation to allow for harder, longer-lasting erections. However, PDE5 inhibitors don’t cause automatic erections — arousal still needs to be present for them to work. 

And guess what? Research suggests that effective ED treatment with PDE5 inhibitors can improve sexual satisfaction for both men and their partners.

Popular PDE5 inhibitors for ED include sildenafil (Viagra) and tadalafil (Cialis). Both of these options are also available in different forms, such as:  

• Ro Sparks, a 2-in-1 treatment featuring sildenafil and tadalafil that dissolves under your tongue for fast-acting effects

• Daily Rise Gummies, fruit-flavored gummies made with tadalafil that are designed to be taken daily (and, thus, allow for increased spontaneity) 

These options contain active  ingredients that are individually approved by the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for ED but their specific formulations are not FDA-approved themselves.

Speak with a healthcare provider (such as one on Ro) to see if these medications may be safe for you to try.

Therapy

From individual therapy to couples counseling, mental health support can help improve ED, especially for those struggling with its psychological impact or relationship strain.  

Cognitive behavioral sex therapy (CBST) blends traditional sex therapy techniques with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a common form of talk therapy. It can help address psychological causes of ED, such as performance anxiety. CBST can also involve challenging unhelpful sexual beliefs, learning relaxation exercises, and improving communication.

Lifestyle changes

Healthy lifestyle changes can improve erectile function and reduce cardiovascular risk, a contributing factor to ED. Particularly effective strategies include: 

• Following a healthy diet (such as the Mediterranean diet)

• Increasing physical activity

• Limiting alcohol use

• Quitting smoking

• Getting high-quality sleep

Addressing underlying health issues

Health issues such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, low testosterone, and nerve disorders can all contribute to ED. Studies show that identifying and addressing the underlying cause(s) of ED is “essential” for managing both the medical and emotional factors involved. 

Working with a healthcare provider to review your medications, run appropriate tests, and manage potentially contributing  chronic conditions can help effectively treat ED. And with their expert help, you may be able to figure out a plan that improves both your sexual function and overall wellbeing. 

If you’ve caught yourself thinking “my husband has ED and won’t touch me,” take a breath. Distance after ED is often a protective reflex — shame and performance anxiety can make closeness feel high-stakes — and it doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is failing. Here’s what to keep in mind:

• It’s rarely about you. If your partner isn’t touching you because of ED, remember that many people withdraw from intimacy because ED affects their confidence and self-esteem, not because they’ve lost interest.

• Understanding ED can ease self-blame. Learning about how common ED is and why it happens can help you make some sense of the distance and quiet the worry that you’re doing something wrong.

• Open communication matters. Having open, non-blaming conversations outside the bedroom can help you stay connected and allow for vulnerable dialogue about needs, boundaries, and what intimacy could look like while you figure things out.

• Penetration isn’t the only way to have sex. Exploring non-penetrative sex and focusing on emotional intimacy can help maintain closeness while easing performance pressure.

• ED is a shared issue. Research suggests that when both partners are involved in seeking solutions, men are more likely to follow through. Couples also report better sexual and relationship satisfaction when they seek ED treatment together. 

• Support is available. From prescription medications (e.g. Viagra, Cialis) to lifestyle changes, ED is a highly treatable condition with the right support.